how to human in 7 steps

There are days in Seattle that mock you.

In fact, that’s every day, but it gets worse in the spring. Being bed-bound when the first few proper spring days roll out in fluffy clouds and bright blue skies sucks major culos. Suffering through such a dreadful winter to be robbed of the first signs of springs is the moment you try to convince yourself that it’s all coming up Milhouse. Those losers outside are probably getting cancer frolicking in the sun. So you roll yourself over and flip your snuggie to the clean side. The spots forming in your vision just means you are one step closer to being a real potato.

It’s probably high time you get your bitter ass outside. #REALTALK. But how do you turn your smeagol face and human when you’ve shied from civilization for the past week? You only need 7 items to get ready.

 

how to human in 7 steps

1. Cleanse your face with a gentle gel cleanser. I love Simple because it’s an inoffensive cleanser that makes your face feel clean without being over-stripped or taut. If you’ve been scrubbing your face raw to get it clean, you’re doing it wrong.

2. Hydrate with your favorite moisturizer that reacts well with your skin.

3. Protect your face, neck, and decolletage with a great sunblock. DO YOU WANT CANCER, SON? My current love is EltaMD UV Clear SPF 46. It is a cosmetically elegant combination chemical and physical sunblock. It dries matte and clear (aint nobody got time for that whitecast).

4. Cover up with a buildable concealer. Something like Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer (what a mouthful) can be enough coverage without having to use a foundation. It’s spring. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, do you really want to spend your time worrying about your face? Keep it quick and easy.

5. Multi-functional palettes make shit simple. Blend that dark brown on your lids and the light brown on your crease. Roll your brush into the bright pink and tap that on your cheeks. This shit is pigmented, so use a light hand unless you want the world to know that Bozo is your cousin.

6. Mascara. You know how we do.

7. Anyone who can rock this shade is a badass betch (and you definitely are a bad ass betch). Even if you disregarded steps 1-6, slap this ish on and you’ll gain attention. Maybe not for the best reasons, but who gives a damn. You finally got yourself to your front porch and ready to conquer spring. Or something like that.

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