[Results] The bet ends in a whimper

Double womps. We’ll just call it a tie. Competitors #3 and #4 are completely MIA. I tried reaching out to them for updates, but I think they have given up on getting fit. Some of that I can chalk up to our metrics. Competitor #4 is a young man who works a very physically involved job. His issue may not have been weight, but body recomposition. Of course, we chose 20# as a fairly arbitrary goal, and that may not have suited all competitors. Even for myself, that kind of loss may not have been realistic. The person who stood to gain the most out of this contest was #3; he’s a man in middle age who leads a sedentary lifestyle with a Standard American Diet. He did tie with @CriticalMAS in terms of weight loss at the beginning of the bet.


hur dur i makes you fat

hur dur i makes you fat


Lessons learned

1. Choose your competitors carefully

2. Choose your metrics/goals carefully

3. Don’t get injured

4. Froyo is the devil

Keeping morale high while fitnessing

If you’ve ever tried to change your habits, no matter how far along you are, or how many times you’ve tried and failed, morale is your biggest challenge. Our bodies are fantastically elastic and will respond to any changes we make. It’s our minds that will always give up before our bodies (given that you’ve no major health problems). If you lose sight of how much progress you made and feel bad about it, remember that each small change has an impact. If you think that 5 or 10 pounds isn’t much, try and walk around with a sack of flour or a free weight for a day. That’s what your legs used to carry; that’s what your knee used to bear. When you throw down the extra weight at the end of your experiment, remember that’s how much lighter you are now.


average newborn: 8 lbs

average newborn: 8 lbs

dead weight

[Results] The side bet

WOMP. womp. What a month it has been. My attempts to sabotage @CriticalMAS has completely backfired. I suckered him into trying froyo (frozen yogurt for the innocent) and we both got addicted. He has either stalled on his weightloss or found the metrics to be off. I have definitely gained weight. Haven’t been able to weigh myself since the scale I originally used was at competitor #3’s house. He, unfortunately, is completely MIA when it comes to the bet. As is competitor #4.

We decided on a gentleman’s agreement that the side bet is a wash. I DON’T HAVE TO DO A SOCIAL MEDIA FAST. But this also means I won’t get to witness the humiliation of @CriticalMAS downing Starbucks espressos 😦



Update: @CriticalMAS updated his bet results here

how to human in 7 steps

There are days in Seattle that mock you.

In fact, that’s every day, but it gets worse in the spring. Being bed-bound when the first few proper spring days roll out in fluffy clouds and bright blue skies sucks major culos. Suffering through such a dreadful winter to be robbed of the first signs of springs is the moment you try to convince yourself that it’s all coming up Milhouse. Those losers outside are probably getting cancer frolicking in the sun. So you roll yourself over and flip your snuggie to the clean side. The spots forming in your vision just means you are one step closer to being a real potato.

It’s probably high time you get your bitter ass outside. #REALTALK. But how do you turn your smeagol face and human when you’ve shied from civilization for the past week? You only need 7 items to get ready.


how to human in 7 steps

1. Cleanse your face with a gentle gel cleanser. I love Simple because it’s an inoffensive cleanser that makes your face feel clean without being over-stripped or taut. If you’ve been scrubbing your face raw to get it clean, you’re doing it wrong.

2. Hydrate with your favorite moisturizer that reacts well with your skin.

3. Protect your face, neck, and decolletage with a great sunblock. DO YOU WANT CANCER, SON? My current love is EltaMD UV Clear SPF 46. It is a cosmetically elegant combination chemical and physical sunblock. It dries matte and clear (aint nobody got time for that whitecast).

4. Cover up with a buildable concealer. Something like Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer (what a mouthful) can be enough coverage without having to use a foundation. It’s spring. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, do you really want to spend your time worrying about your face? Keep it quick and easy.

5. Multi-functional palettes make shit simple. Blend that dark brown on your lids and the light brown on your crease. Roll your brush into the bright pink and tap that on your cheeks. This shit is pigmented, so use a light hand unless you want the world to know that Bozo is your cousin.

6. Mascara. You know how we do.

7. Anyone who can rock this shade is a badass betch (and you definitely are a bad ass betch). Even if you disregarded steps 1-6, slap this ish on and you’ll gain attention. Maybe not for the best reasons, but who gives a damn. You finally got yourself to your front porch and ready to conquer spring. Or something like that.

The Bet: week 8 check in


I’ve no idea how much weight (if any) I’ve lost and won’t know until this week’s doctor appointment. That’s right, girls and boys, the universe thought everything was too swell and decided, “how’s your left leg doing, Winnah? HAHAHAHA IMMA FUCK IT UP FOR YOU!” And thus, I had an accident.

I’ve been thinking for the past few days about fitnessing whilst injured. I was in bed all weekend with nothing to do but rest up, stuff my face, and get comfortable with my two best friends: books and internets. I didn’t take too much note of what I ate because I was under the mercy of pain and other people’s cooking. Anyway, I reasoned that I was eating for two (myself + the injury). Of course I had no exercise, unless you counted the calories of the tears exuding from my face as I resigned myself to watching Bob’s Burgers entire 4 season run mothafuckin TWICE.

Did I get fatter? NOPE. It was a rest that was long overdue. I’ve been working very hard for the past 6 weeks with 60+ work hours, 3/4 of those being quite physical. Eating has been erratic, but I did start to eat more intuitively, listening to real hunger cues.

I was able to hobble out of bed in my schmexy foot boot on Monday and checked myself in the mirror. I was all like, DAMN Winnah. DAT LOWER BACK DIMPLE. Yes maam I gots em. At least the beginnings of some. Today I learned they’re called “Dimples of Venus.”

dimples of venus


Mine are not nearly this badass but I am in the processing of regain what was lost. Or lose what I’ve gained. Right now my dimples look like circa August 2013. By the end of this bet, I’m hoping they look more like November 2012.

It looks like I’ve been losing mostly fat and retaining a lot of muscle. This might mean that my short term weight loss may be lower, but fuck that shit, because retaining more muscles means I will burn a lot more fat whilst sitting on my bum. My very dimply bum. And hard biceps. Overall, everything feels tighter and leaner.

[NSV] dem inches

The sweetest victories are the ones that surprise you. The whoosh effect (super scientific, I know) happened to me this week. It was laundry day and I was out of my civilized clothes. Lest I run around scaring the neighbors in my birthday suit, it was time to don something from the pile of event tshirts. Volunteering has its perks. Lo and behold, a shirt that previously was taut over my stomach is now a couple inches too loose.