I’m recovering well from my injury and am looking forward to more physical exercise. Well, at least exert more energy than it took to eat Cheetos in bed. Today’s the first day I get to get my sweat on and I’m super excited. Except for the sweat part. I am very particular about smell and am especially wary of B.O. Was anyone else terrified of accidentally being the smelly kid in class that they became neurotic about their body odor and stole fragrance from their mother? No? Okay. But my obsession with smelling clean means that I’ve spent years finding the cheapest way to smell so fresh and so clean, even if you’re secretly a dirty mofo.
Step 1. Shower pre workout. If I have to explain this step, we have bigger problems.
Step 2. Dry that shit with a high performance towel. A quick drying towel means that it will harbor fewer germs if you’re too lazy to wash it often. Which you should. Germs love dank, damp places and if you find yourself harboring a lil stank even though you think you’re fucking Patrick Bateman about your hygiene routine, CHECK YO DAMN TOWELS and LAUNDER THAT SHIT.
Step 3. Love your underarms. Tough love. Give those pits the nuclear treatment. Ignore everything you think you know about aluminium causing cancer, because they don’t. They do give you nice, clean pits. The perspiration is not what causes stank, it’s when the sweat gets hot and heavy with the natural bacteria in your pit that gives you that Eau de B.O. Preventing yourself from sweating will solve that problem.
Pro tip: apply some in the evening after your shower. When you wake up in the AM, get another thin layer on those pits. BAM. Sweat-free nirvana.
Step 4. Moisture-wicking undergarments. If odors love damp places, there is nothing damper than whatever’s collecting in your clothes when you’re working hard. I know you betches love running in booty shorts (more power to ya), but loose shorts give you a lil more airflow.
Step 5. Post-workout: wash yo self. IMMEDIATELY. I see you guys and gals walking into Starbucks with your yoga mats and pit-stained tees. You better grab that coffee and go because the longer you sit there snapchatting your workout face, that fugue of funk is getting fetid. At best, your clothes will get permanently stained. At worst, you gonna get a rash.
Step 6. Perfume. JUST KIDDING. You can’t use cologne instead of a cleanse. Really. Not fooling anyone here. But if you have to, you can’t go wrong with Tom Ford. That musk mixing with the oud… #damn.
There are days in Seattle that mock you.
In fact, that’s every day, but it gets worse in the spring. Being bed-bound when the first few proper spring days roll out in fluffy clouds and bright blue skies sucks major culos. Suffering through such a dreadful winter to be robbed of the first signs of springs is the moment you try to convince yourself that it’s all coming up Milhouse. Those losers outside are probably getting cancer frolicking in the sun. So you roll yourself over and flip your snuggie to the clean side. The spots forming in your vision just means you are one step closer to being a real potato.
It’s probably high time you get your bitter ass outside. #REALTALK. But how do you turn your smeagol face and human when you’ve shied from civilization for the past week? You only need 7 items to get ready.
1. Cleanse your face with a gentle gel cleanser. I love Simple because it’s an inoffensive cleanser that makes your face feel clean without being over-stripped or taut. If you’ve been scrubbing your face raw to get it clean, you’re doing it wrong.
2. Hydrate with your favorite moisturizer that reacts well with your skin.
3. Protect your face, neck, and decolletage with a great sunblock. DO YOU WANT CANCER, SON? My current love is EltaMD UV Clear SPF 46. It is a cosmetically elegant combination chemical and physical sunblock. It dries matte and clear (aint nobody got time for that whitecast).
4. Cover up with a buildable concealer. Something like Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer (what a mouthful) can be enough coverage without having to use a foundation. It’s spring. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, do you really want to spend your time worrying about your face? Keep it quick and easy.
5. Multi-functional palettes make shit simple. Blend that dark brown on your lids and the light brown on your crease. Roll your brush into the bright pink and tap that on your cheeks. This shit is pigmented, so use a light hand unless you want the world to know that Bozo is your cousin.
6. Mascara. You know how we do.
7. Anyone who can rock this shade is a badass betch (and you definitely are a bad ass betch). Even if you disregarded steps 1-6, slap this ish on and you’ll gain attention. Maybe not for the best reasons, but who gives a damn. You finally got yourself to your front porch and ready to conquer spring. Or something like that.