how to sweat like a mothafuckin CHAMP

I’m recovering well from my injury and am looking forward to more physical exercise. Well, at least exert more energy than it took to eat Cheetos in bed. Today’s the first day I get to get my sweat on and I’m super excited. Except for the sweat part. I am very particular about smell and am especially wary of B.O. Was anyone else terrified of accidentally being the smelly kid in class that they became neurotic about their body odor and stole fragrance from their mother? No? Okay. But my obsession with smelling clean means that I’ve spent years finding the cheapest way to smell so fresh and so clean, even if you’re secretly a dirty mofo.

Step 1. Shower pre workout. If I have to explain this step, we have bigger problems.

Step 2. Dry that shit with a high performance towel. A quick drying towel means that it will harbor fewer germs if you’re too lazy to wash it often. Which you should. Germs love dank, damp places and if you find yourself harboring a lil stank even though you think you’re fucking Patrick Bateman about your hygiene routine, CHECK YO DAMN TOWELS and LAUNDER THAT SHIT.

Step 3. Love your underarms. Tough love. Give those pits the nuclear treatment. Ignore everything you think you know about aluminium causing cancer, because they don’t. They do give you nice, clean pits. The perspiration is not what causes stank, it’s when the sweat gets hot and heavy with the natural bacteria in your pit that gives you that Eau de B.O. Preventing yourself from sweating will solve that problem.

this shit is my holy grail

Pro tip: apply some in the evening after your shower. When you wake up in the AM, get another thin layer on those pits. BAM. Sweat-free nirvana.

Step 4. Moisture-wicking undergarments. If odors love damp places, there is nothing damper than whatever’s collecting in your clothes when you’re working hard. I know you betches love running in booty shorts (more power to ya), but loose shorts give you a lil more airflow.

Step 5. Post-workout: wash yo self. IMMEDIATELY. I see you guys and gals walking into Starbucks with your yoga mats and pit-stained tees. You better grab that coffee and go because the longer you sit there snapchatting your workout face, that fugue of funk is getting fetid. At best, your clothes will get permanently stained. At worst, you gonna get a rash.

Step 6. Perfume. JUST KIDDING. You can’t use cologne instead of a cleanse. Really. Not fooling anyone here. But if you have to, you can’t go wrong with Tom Ford. That musk mixing with the oud… #damn.